So here it is...the end of a year and a beginning of a new one.

So summary of this year so far:

Jan - June: From what I remember in these months, they were fine. None of them awful - which is good. I also got a helluva lot of writing down and finished my first story ever in this year. That's something I won't forget. Admittedly it wasn't brilliant, but, it was special because it helped me to develop not only as a writer but in a way also as a person. I began to think about things more...how people react when people do certain things. I also in these months ventured forth into a writers circle. Which, admittedly was a little bit daunting at first, but the people I have met there are truly inspiring and show me that although it will take time, I hopefully will one day become as good a writer as they are. If any of you are reading this its been a real privilege to get to know all of you!

July - December: Got my AS results, I was pretty happy with them. Also got all my offers for the universities I applied to - although it was very stressful to do so. A new story had been started Burgess Hill and I have managed to get to my 20k mark, which is pretty good, as this story has required a lot more thought. Had some highs and lows in confidence with my writing but I will continue on. If the words flow, they flow, but if not, its ok, take a break and try again. I am trying to be more forgiving to myself in this respect but...if I don't push myself I worry I won't get anywhere. It has been an interesting year, and one that has sparked up some revelations...

For 2011 - what do I want to aim for?

• To keep on writing and aiming to become a better writer
• To work hard at school
• (I wont hear any complaints on this one) To lose weight but in a healthy manner :)

I wish everyone a successful and happy new year

Take care my darlings

xx

Christmas

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be but again, it wasnt exactly what I wanted either but overall Christmas was fine - I got some nice presents and everything that I will be in want of for when I go to university. It sort of annoys me that everyone is thinking about it - I appear the only one not to be. Not that I don't think about it, its just...the thought of leaving home its a bit of an odd one really. I am excited but nervous and worried as hell about it. I don't want to leave everyone behind but at the same time I am looking forward to meeting new people. To be honest I never thought I would get this far in the university process, but here I am, and I am vowing to work my butt off for the rest of the year in order to get the grades I need.

Another christmas present came in a form of a new story idea. No idea what it is going to be called but hopefully it will be written - after Burgess Hill of course. Section one of Burgess Hill is almost complete and I hope to have it completed by the end of this year - so in a few days. I hope to hit 20k - which is only one thousand words off so not too far. But I have to juggle that with homework which I am not looking forward to at all.

Speaking of homework I should probably do some now....

Ellen x

Now how the heck did I do that..

I just somehow managed to follow my OWN blog. How on earth I did that I really have no clue - but now it makes me look that I am so in love with myself that I must follow every word I say...despite the fact I already own this blog...this is just too odd

Not much has happened, except that christmas seems to be going from one worse event to another. Its in time like these that I wish I was younger and in love with all the little christmas things, like putting up the tree, that used to be such a joy and now it is nothing more than a chore...

Writing is going well, I suppose, I am now in a much better mood. And I find that my stress levels and my inability to write are often tied together. Am currently watching narnia - and its such a lovely film. I really want to see the new one again, as I enjoyed it so much. Made me really feel like a kid!

Have a good christmas everyone!

x

Shopping, writing and chocolate - I must be in heaven!

Firstly, I must apologise for my bad mood in my last post - I was feeling really worn out, and I am grateful to the people who commented to offer me their support and to encourage me to keep on going (well to keep on writing which to me is one and the same thing) Thanks - it really means a lot :-)

Today was good - finished off my xmas shopping, which was beginning to worry me since it is so close to christmas. Strangely, I haven't been as excited about it as I was last year - it took my mum something like two weeks of nagging before we all bothered to put the christmas tree up! I tried costa's creme brulee latte - and it is the best hot drink I have ever had. No jokes. I shall have to make the most of it while it is still around! I also had a chocolate tiffin which jointly served as breakfast and lunch. What can I say? I'm a teenager who has cravings and for that there is no cure (apparently there is a thing called self-control, I've looked for it but apparently I don't have any :-P)

I have started to write more of Burgess Hill - although the bit that I did write wasn't really necessary to the plot, but it got me back into the frame of things. Am aiming to do more writing tonight for Burgess and tomorrow I will look over the short story I wrote at the weekend.

I told my mum what I had called my story and what it was about and she pulled a face and said, 'But Burgess Hill is such a lovely name, why would you use that as a title for a gothic psychological thriller?'. The only thing I could think of to say was 'in all fairness I just saw the name at a train station, and I thought it fit. There wasn't really any thought behind it...' *lightbulb flash* 'no, ignore what I have just said, its IRONY'

In times of desperate need always rely on irony.

Peace out

Ellen x

Wow was today not my day

First day of the school holidays...and i'm feeling a bit blue. I dont know why. No apparent reason. Then my mum has a go at me for one stupid thing that I didnt do right when she asked me to, just cos I was talking to someone on the laptop. God. And then we had this massive argument and well now I am in a really bad mood.

I am not looking forward to christmas. I dont know why. Well actually I do. And again its my damn mother being selfish and making decisions before talking to anyone else about it. I just wanted it to be the three of us. But no. Thats not going to happen is it?

I haven't been able to write for a long time. I wrote something today but...no...it just wasnt worth it. I'm just facing the fact that I won't be a writer. I am nowhere near good enough and no matter what people say, I learn to not trust when people say 'you're good' and 'you're fine' because they more often then not tend to be lying. People only say these things to be nice - its rare that anyone means them. Yes I am cynical - I do believe people are only out for themselves; I get that some people may mean it - but why? I really know that my writing is something that won't pay out in the end - my family think so. I have no faith in anything anymore and I just want to get away for a bit.

I just dont have the confidence anymore - and its hard to when your in a group where everyone is not only more experienced but a lot better than you - and it stays in your mind that whatever you read out will ALWAYS get the most crit. I know its all part of being a writer and I shouldnt be taking it personally (and in all fairness I usually dont) but its so disheartening that you know what you read out will never be as good as anyone elses, including the two people there who are the same age as you. Sometimes I really do wonder why I bother. But I will not give up. I can't.

There is one person who I can talk about this - and if you happen to see this you know who you are - and I am sorry for relaying all my problems and stuff on you - you don't need it. You are really an amazing friend and you mean a lot to me.

And I really wish some people would stop moaning about how awful their lives are - ok a bit hypocritical - but they really have no f**king idea what life could be like. You've been given a chance at life - take it and get on with it for gods sake. You really have nothing to moan about.

Argh I've just had enough, I really don't want to deal with this anymore.

Ellen

Sorry I'm Late

Gosh its been a while since I wrote anything so I thought I might do the decent thing and let you in on what has happened this week. Well it snowed. That's about the most exciting thing that has happened - and it wasn't even piles of snow for goodness sake so it wasn't really worth the trouble. The snow has all gone now, as it rained. Narnia has gone.

I practically haven't written anything for Burgess Hill all week, except yesterday, when I tried to write straight onto a computer. I have no idea whether it was success or a failure yet, but it certainly made me feel a bit...weird writing there. Am not really sure why. It also made me aware of what I was writing, and the temptation to write MORE in where they needn't really be any development was a bit worrying, but I stopped myself.

On the plus side, I have been doing school work. Tomorrow afternoon I am planning to prepare for an interview that I have on thursday for Kent. Am pretty nervous about it....but am sure I will be fine. Have to wear something smart and appear calm and collected. Easier said then done.

Annoyingly I am still waiting for one uni to reply - and of course they are taking their sweet time about it. But it is quite popular so maybe its taking a while. Eeek! This is so nerve wracking.

Oh and Kitkat says hi btw. Not that she really had much choice mind. But I could tell she wanted to :-D

And this is Kiara. Who really wanted to be on this blog cos she hates that kitkat got all the attention so she's here too :-P

Take care me lovelies!

Ellen x