First day of the school holidays...and i'm feeling a bit blue. I dont know why. No apparent reason. Then my mum has a go at me for one stupid thing that I didnt do right when she asked me to, just cos I was talking to someone on the laptop. God. And then we had this massive argument and well now I am in a really bad mood.
I am not looking forward to christmas. I dont know why. Well actually I do. And again its my damn mother being selfish and making decisions before talking to anyone else about it. I just wanted it to be the three of us. But no. Thats not going to happen is it?
I haven't been able to write for a long time. I wrote something today but...no...it just wasnt worth it. I'm just facing the fact that I won't be a writer. I am nowhere near good enough and no matter what people say, I learn to not trust when people say 'you're good' and 'you're fine' because they more often then not tend to be lying. People only say these things to be nice - its rare that anyone means them. Yes I am cynical - I do believe people are only out for themselves; I get that some people may mean it - but why? I really know that my writing is something that won't pay out in the end - my family think so. I have no faith in anything anymore and I just want to get away for a bit.
I just dont have the confidence anymore - and its hard to when your in a group where everyone is not only more experienced but a lot better than you - and it stays in your mind that whatever you read out will ALWAYS get the most crit. I know its all part of being a writer and I shouldnt be taking it personally (and in all fairness I usually dont) but its so disheartening that you know what you read out will never be as good as anyone elses, including the two people there who are the same age as you. Sometimes I really do wonder why I bother. But I will not give up. I can't.
There is one person who I can talk about this - and if you happen to see this you know who you are - and I am sorry for relaying all my problems and stuff on you - you don't need it. You are really an amazing friend and you mean a lot to me.
And I really wish some people would stop moaning about how awful their lives are - ok a bit hypocritical - but they really have no f**king idea what life could be like. You've been given a chance at life - take it and get on with it for gods sake. You really have nothing to moan about.
Argh I've just had enough, I really don't want to deal with this anymore.